Tuesday, May 17, 2011

We are all gunna die. Or Fly. Or Maybe not

If you have not read the origins of DinoJesus this blog written by the eldest sibling may not make much sense.  Please click on February on the right and read that blog before you read this one.  Then all shall be made plain.

Those of us that are followers of the three-toed path, know that much of the myths and legends ascribed to the other Major religions are derived from the truth of DinoJesus.  However, it is rare indeed to find such blatant theft of ideas as the evangelical idea of "The Rapture."  For those that have never heard this inane idea, the scriptural reference the Evangelicals use to promote their belief is found in the "Bible."

1 Thessalonains 4
16  For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with a voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
17  Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
Our evangelical friends take this passage to mean that they will be swept up to meet with the Human Jesus in the clouds, while all the sinners (people who are not evangelical) will be ...(dramatic music, Dum, Dum, Dum)..left below.

Followers of DinoJesus however, may recognize this revisionism, if not down right plagiarism.  In the one and only true scripture, the Bibliosaura, or Book of the Lizard, we can find the genesis of the idea behind "The Rapture."  I have included the original as translated into English below:

1 Theropods 4
16  For DinoJesus himself shall descend from heaven with a mighty roar, yea even with the voice of the James Earl Jones, and with much gnashing of teeth: and the dead in the natural history museum shall rise first:
17  Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the DinoJesus in the air: and so shall we be, even as the Raptors.
We of course know this event is rightly called "The Raptor."  We do not have the full knowledge of whether we will be as happy as the Raptors, or literally be transformed into Raptors, to feast on the flesh of the unbelievers.  This is unimportant for our current understanding.  All we need to know is what all non flying species have always known.  You don't want to be left below a large group of flying creatures.  It will almost assuredly be a shitty time. 

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Redemption of tortilla chips, or the true reason for hell.

One of life's greatest pleasures, for me at least, is the ability to indulge now and again.  One of the greatest snack inventions ever created is the tortilla chip.  Give me a large bag of tortilla chips, a quality salsa, and the  possibly some cheese and I am in Hog Heaven.

Sometimes, however, the left overs in a bag of tortilla chips can become a little stale.  This is a result of moisture getting into the chip.  Any true lover of tortilla chips will be able to tell you that this is not a problem.  You simply have to throw the chips on a cookie sheet in the oven at 350 degrees for 10 minutes or so and, viola, crunchy, warm chips.

Recently, I was fixing my stale chip problem when it popped in to my head that I was redeeming the chips.  They had fallen from their ideal and perfect form and had become stale and undesirable.  Circumstances had caused them to become something that they were not meant to be. (I am going to give the chips the benefit of the doubt and assume that they had no choice in the matter.  I would hate to think that they would purposely choose to fall to such a lowly state.  I mean, it's not like they are Eve or anything.)  As I popped them in the oven, I began to think that maybe this culinary trick of tortilla redemption could be applied to the reason people believe there is a Hell.

Most Christians believe in Hell, and Mormons believe in paying for ones own sins.  What about if the fires of Hell aren't just a metaphor, but are actually necessary.  I mean, the Mormons say that we had to come here to get experience, and that those types of challenges weren't available to us in the preexistence.  Like a sterile laboratory, our home in the preexistence had no sin or temptation, so we wouldn't have been able to learn about those things there.  Just like the bag of chips that keeps it's crunchy goodness while still in the bag, once the bag is open (i.e., we are born and come to this world) the chips start to get stale.  The more humidity, the staler the chip will get.  And the more sin we get into, the more "stale" we get.  And, as my lovely wife pointed out, the best sins have a tendency to be moist.

So, there it is.  We have gotten stale and moist and have got to be redeemed in the fires of Hell to get the moisture out.  Even though I am no longer a believer, I can't think of any other reason that a kind, loving, all powerful Heavenly Father would send so many of his children to suffer such unspeakable torment, unless it was to redeem us to crunchiness again.  My only fear it that upon coming out the other side, I'm going to be smothered in cheese and find myself next to a large side of Salsa.  I understand that DinoJesus likes his nachos.